#NPM 2014: Day 2- Athleticism

A few years ago I heard Maya Angelou make this statement and it really got my gears turning about my life up until that point. I began to reflect on my imperfections that would constantly stare me in the face daily. The internal battle I had over my body and those insecurities you attempt to "secure" but they always seem to "win." I thought about the lies told on me, the whispers behind my back, the fake friends who turned into enemies, the laughter in my face, the threats, the jealousy, and just the drama I had to endure to be able to see myself the way God sees me. I took this quote to heart and recognized that I had been catching this "stuff" with my hands and I never threw it back. I allowed it to define me. It became a part of how I saw myself and I found myself being weaker than I would portray. In those moments I would be alone, the best time for the enemy to rule your thoughts, I would want to be a different person, in a different place, with a different life. I hated who I "was" (according to what other people said about me) and I couldn't see beyond that hate.

But I grew tired and began to stop caring about the lies and the whispers. I began to share myself, my struggles, my insecurities with people who needed it before anyone could have a chance to make it their gossip topic. I began to take ownership of my junk, my growth, my womanhood and finally started walking in who God said I was, not man. I learned agility in how I handled those naysayers, speed in how I moved within a world that stopped for no one, flexibility in how I defined my friendships, and balance with how I listened to what God said about me versus what the world said about me. I became athletic, in my mind and spirit, and from that revelation I now live out the importance of #noweight!

Heads up my warriors! Ears shut to those "friends" you should've left alone years ago. Heart open to God's love and guidance for your life. And feet pressed firmly on the throat of the enemy for any THING he wants to say about you that will make you question who you KNOW you are! Catcher's mitt on! #noweight

Athleticism

I have silenced my sins so that saints won’t seek my soul.

Grew braces over my back to help my bones become better billboards.

Showcasing my beauty that, because of your complaints,

I had to cease from expressing evermore.

I planted voice boxes on the back of my brain so that I could respond to your thoughts that were watered down with bad soil.

Holding onto roots that wither in all seasons of the year.

Rocking steady, so that body language will never be confused with miscommunication. Your face speaks volumes while your heart empty, silent, barren.

You have forgotten the importance of better to be-loved than bitter, boring, and beating the bottom of the bucket.

The word “Because” stopped being an answer when grandmothers stopped letting children be their best friends and started switching pops and “painches” up for silent dinners, empty corners, and toys that had words in them...

we call them books.

You have misplaced your values, your respect, and your peace of mind for a millisecond of time that you think will leave me broken, distraught, lost, and lonely.

But little do you know...

I wear one catcher’s mitt...

4 catching vs. throwing it back

#NPM 2014: Day 1 Birth-Month

Life happens. And more than likely life will not find you "prepared" for what it might throw at you. Last summer I had a life happens moment that made me feel completely abandoned. I found myself crossing off one of the things on the list I created not because it didn't happen but because it DID happen but it did not end the way I thought it should've ended. I stood in that season and heard the words, "I had a miscarriage" slip from my lips as I tried to convince myself it was a dream.

Since that moment I shared my story. I shared it at a time that might have been too soon according to man's timeline but God uses #nomakeup to face those ugly moments that we have to walk through in life in order to transparently pull someone out of the pit that they are too afraid to come out of. What I didn't realize [at the time] was the amount of women who are impacted by miscarriages all the time. They are your friends, your neighbors, your church members, your cousin, your niece, your sister. You sit next to them at the doctor’s office. You pass them on the street secretly hurting. You intercede for them when they simply ask, “pray for me.” You find yourself being one…

Here is my prayer that I shared with someone and I want to cover whoever is reading this in need of prayer: 

I pray full term without any complications for your next pregnancy. I pray that God will continue to meet you in those moments when you feel confused, worried, or hurting. I pray that God will give you peace as you move forward with ease as he opens your womb and strengthens you on this journey towards and through motherhood. Trust God’s timing. Seek His heart and keep pressing my loves…

Few days after finding out. His joy helped my pain!

BIRTH-month

Me and baby

Webe dancing

Webe singing

Webe laughing

Webe living

Webe breathing

Heartsbe beating

Bloodbe flowing

Godbe knowing

That meandbaby

Be

Over.

Heart still beats…

4 unexpected breakups

27 weeks. God is so faithful. Believe!

I am the face: Pregnancy & Infant Loss Day of Remembrance

This day has flown by but I couldn't let it end without a small post for those who have miscarried or lost a baby. A year ago I would've never imagined relating to this demographic but as I shared in one of my most vulnerable and difficult posts here. I miscarried this summer. 

Miscarried Emotions...

The nurse told me that 1 in 5 women have had a miscarriage but in that moment I didn’t hear her subliminally saying you aren’t alone. All I heard was no; being told no never gets easy, especially as adults. We feel like if we do everything we need to do, in the way that we need to do it, according to the books, straight by the list, never going astray, we will have that thing we’ve wanted for what, at that point, feels like forever.

The Author: On The Heels... of an amazing encounter! (Book Release)

I’m back!!

You know when it rains it pours and after my son’s birthday our summer travels were non-stop!

The bachelorette party for one of my best friends

road trip to Cleveland

DST Centennial Celebration

Family Reunion

and finally the wedding

I have seen more of the highway than my house in the last month, not to mention, in the midst of all of this, I was pressed to complete the edits (huge thank you to my sister/June 21st mother twin Leah from 3 Girls with Curls! Two mothers with toddlers making it happen) and release my devotional On the Heels of My Father!!! Before I pick up blogging about what I’ve been doing since the end of June, what I’ve learned, trials I faced in the month of July, and sharing a message to encourage you along the way I must take this time to say THANK YOU to those who have ordered their copy of On the Heels of My Father.

Autographed copies: On the Heels-Autographed

Direct link: On the Heels of My Father direct

Pressing On: Losing a Child

(I showed up to a womens group at church discussing the book Circle Makers in the thick of my mess. I felt helpless and ashamed and embarassed and lonely. After the meeting I stayed to share where I was with Pastor Aube and to request her prayers because Lord knows I needed need them. A few meetings later Pastor Aube decided to share her story. Not a dry eye was in the room and she looks up and says does anyone want to share their story. No one spoke. Looking in my direction then scanning the rest of the room I could feel the Holy Spirit saying girl this moment is for YOU. I let the moment pass and she goes on to say ladies someone needs to hear your story. Don't be ashamed! God has walked you through something to empower you to help someone else get through their tough season. Share your story! Since that night those words played in my head over and over again. Her obedience, being in the vein of God, and her heart for women is the reason why I launched #nomakeup, the reason why I shared my story with YOU, the reason why Pressing On has touched so many beyond my imagination and the reason why On the Heels is actually being released. A true woman of God I am so thankful to have her story apart of this series! Enjoy!)

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Share a time when you felt spiritually abandoned

I felt spiritually abandoned on May 3, 2012 when I was pregnant with our son and lost him at 14 weeks.  I felt abandoned because I knew in my heart that God had given us the miracle of a son and not understanding what God was doing would be an understatement to say the least.

Pressing On: Overcoming Drinking to Escape

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Share a time when you felt spiritually abandoned

A time when I felt spiritually abandoned was when I was with my son's father. Every day I felt like he was bringing me down lower and lower. The abuse—mentally, emotionally and physically began to take over. I just wanted to be loved as well as have a family. I believe me being selfish blinded me from what I should have been focused on. It had gotten so bad that I turned to drinking. From there it seemed as if I went downhill. I got away from him but I was mad at the world and I went against everyone. I was at a point where I didn't care.

Pressing On: Overcoming Spiritual Warfare

Spiritual Warfare

Share a time when you felt spiritually abandoned

This past year I felt spiritually abandoned. It was January 2013, I was at my house and all of sudden I felt alone. I felt as though GOD didn't hear any of my prayers. I would come home scared. On top of that, I worked swing shift (3:30pm-11:30pm) and my husband was deployed; my house was empty when I came home at night. You would think getting off from work would be the best part of my day. You know, looking forward to coming home and relaxing, but it was the worst. At that moment I realized I was empty. I had been encouraging people SO much that I forgot how to encourage myself. I knew scriptures and I could tell anyone where to find anything if they were going through something. But when I would read those same scriptures, I felt nothing. I would literally run to my room, take a shower, and get in bed. I was scared. I was at home crying because I felt like something else (evil) was there with me. I know it may sound crazy and I wish I was lying about that, but I'm not. I began to call people who I thought were "spiritually sound". I called people who "I thought" knew the Word. So in February, I called a minister and a family member. The family member told me I was getting spiritually attacked because I didn't have the holy ghost/holy spirit. I was furious, I didn't say anything I just listened because I know the Word and I know I have the holy ghost, but I was so tired of fighting spiritual warfare with myself, I had NO room to fight with anyone else. The minister told me to pray and she prayed with me. But when I got off the phone, I was still scared. I literally thought I was losing my mind. I have never in my 28 years felt fear like that. I just knew GOD had thrown in the towel on me.

Pressing On: Darkest before Dawn

During tough times

Share a time when you felt spiritually abandoned

Right after I finished college was a very tough time for me. I had gotten a job as a reporter in a small town, but I needed a car, and mine had died. My mother was having health problems, and my brothers and I didn't know how we could help her. My father is not in our life, and people that I thought were my friends were saying really ugly things about me. I felt like everything was unfair--I worked so hard! My mom didn't deserve this! I treat people decently! I remember sitting on the curb next to my broken car, crying my eyes out (and I'm generally not a person who cries!). Luckily, this was also the time when I really began to bond with my friend Erica, whose spirit and general sense of confidence in God helped pull me out of a very dark hole that I had fallen into.

Pressing On: Overcoming Divorce

Freedom

Share a time when you felt spiritually abandoned

The only time I remember feeling spiritually abandoned was after my divorce.  I remember feeling empty and alone.  Like life as I knew it was over.  I wondered everyday why this would be my story.  I had an incredible sense of failure and guilt.  Like no one understood or could help me.

Pressing On: Filling the Void

love in the wrong places

Share a time when you felt spiritually abandoned

Losing one of my closest friends ‘Punkin’’ my senior year of college was really hard. He was my Clyde! I knew he’d always have my back and when he was killed I literally shut down. I stayed in my room and grieved for days at a time. This is was a process that would last for many, many years after his death. At that time I felt like a walking ghost. I remember people reaching out to share words of condolences and bible scriptures but I was so outraged with God for ‘taking Tre’ that I couldn’t bear to listen. Around this time my step father was publically preparing to serve prison time and my biological father was majorly failing to fill his shoes on all levels. Here I was heartbroken, searching for jobs so I wouldn’t have to drop out of school and using temporary physical affection to Band-Aid my hurt. My graduation from college should have felt ‘victorious’, but instead it was an extremely lonely time for me. I went into alumni hood not really feeling like God had a special place in my life. 

Pressing On: Job Market Woes

Poor Job Market

Share a time when you felt spiritually abandoned

I graduated from the University of Alabama in 2007 and in that same month began a Master’s program to gain certification to teach public school. I had been actively running away from the field of teaching but in my junior year of undergrad, had accepted the calling and I just KNEW I would be blessed in pursuing this degree. (Ever wonder about how much we THINK we KNOW?) However, after graduating with a Master’s in Education, while also working for a year in the local school system, I ended the year without a job or any such prospects. I had just begun a fast and was intensely seeking the Father for guidance, to simply hear a word of direction or encouragement. I was working part time in a retail position that constantly cancelled shifts and took up another position substituting at a former teaching center a few days a week to supplement; still, no word, no job. I took out cash advances on credit cards that had been paid in full just to make rent and my car payment. I even had a position come through in an elementary school as a long term sub that eventually ended up bottoming out before I could even start. I was at a loss as to what my next move should be and I had yet to hear from the Father, my Father, even after seeking his face and being in the midst of a fast. I was losing patience and my resolve was weakening. All I could think is "Why doesn't he answer?" Eventually, I decided I needed a change of pace and shared with God my desire to move and I was given a permissive 'yes'. I immediately found a job with the early childhood company I had been with for a few years in Atlanta but not even close to the pay or type of position I desired. I cried in frustration many times because I didn't understand what God was doing. Why would he allow me to move and find a job only to be in what I considered a position of failure? However, in that position I had more opportunities for growth and development as an educator and made more connections than I ever would have made had I stayed where I was. And though it has truly been a journey of trust and faith, my belief in my God has again been reinforced and uplifted. I learned to trust him again and to know that being faithful in a few things leads to him trusting me with so much more! 

Pressing On: Losing a Parent

Losing a parent

Share a time when you felt spiritually abandoned.

It was August 2002…I was preparing to start 7th grade and I couldn’t have been more excited. Little did I know, I would soon receive some news that would change the entire trajectory of my life.  My grandmother, the only woman that I had ever called “Momma” and the only woman that I had ever acknowledged as my mom, was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer and given only 6 months to live. As a 12 year old, this was a HUGE pill to swallow. MY momma? Dying? No. Things like that didn’t happen in my family. Months passed and I watched her slowly, but surely, fade away. She passed away in February 2003, exactly 6 months after her diagnosis. After her death, I had to grow up quickly and assume the responsibilities as the “woman” of the household…at 12. I felt alone, neglected by God, and just…lost.

Pressing On: Taking Care of a Parent

Share a time when you felt spiritually abandoned 

I can’t say I’ve felt this way. I have felt like the promises of God were not intended for me and to some degree I still struggle to believe that the promises God made to his children are for me as well. That doesn’t make me feel abandoned but it does make me feel like I’m not good enough.

Pressing On: Unashamedly Embracing Me

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Share a time when you felt spiritually abandoned

3 days after Christmas 2011, my husband was arrested for a DUI while pulled over on the wrong side of a curvy, highway on-ramp with heavy semi-truck traffic…wait for it…with 2 of our beautiful, priceless, IRREPLACEABLE babies in the car. This wasn’t his first incident with alcohol, BUT this was the first time the lives of my kids were about 2 feet and a TDOT worker from being taken from this earth. Forced by an ultimatum, he enrolled in a year-long, Christian-based rehab facility. I saw his life changing, I saw him seeking God, I saw him helping others; I saw him lift his hands in worship! This was a huge deal. At that moment, I KNEW God had heard all my prayers, seen all my tears, and was going to work it out. He wanted to enroll in seminary school and become an evangelist! In my mind, I had already written the testimony to come… “Marriage on the rocks, plagued by infidelity, physical abuse, and alcoholism miraculously restored. Family finds peace and hope in Jesus using their testimony to lift others.” I began to open up about the struggles, I started my blog, made moves toward the bigger purpose I knew God had been calling me to and really got plugged in at church. But like being blind-sided by a Mack Truck running a red light, the breath of life was knocked out of me and I found myself lying completely on my back. It wasn’t sincere…not one bit of it. He was still drinking, still angry enough to hit me, still having affairs, and this time she was in our home…my home. How could God do that to me? How could he show me the marriage I always dreamed of, the family I longed for, the husband I desired, just to snatch it right out of my hands? Why would he make me endure the misery and then get my hopes up that things were changing for nothing? Maybe he didn’t hear my prayers; perhaps all the tears were in vain. The last day I saw my husband was June 5, 2012. I filed for divorce on our anniversary in July and settled into a life of being a 26-year-old divorcee with 3 kids just trying to make it through each day sanely. Little did I know, everything that I thought I was losing was the very beginning of Him giving me everything I ever needed, the very best of what He desired for me…His daughter

Pressing On: Overcoming Adultery

Share a time when you felt spiritually abandoned

When my marriage was falling apart I thought - "God, what have I done to deserve this"? I would pray and pray, fast, and pray some more. I did not understand how someone I loved would treat me the way that my (then) husband was treating me. I felt that God had forgotten about me; that He had, for some reason, left me to figure it out all on my own.

Pressing On: Premature Birth

Share a time when you felt spiritually abandoned. 

There have been many times where I FELT like God had abandoned me. However, the time I will focus on will be the way my son was brought into the world. I felt like I was half a woman, one who couldn't even carry her child to term. I blamed God so much for letting me have him at 29 weeks instead of full term one that i prayed for. I honestly felt like all my prayers for a healthy pregnancy went unheard because I got diagnosed with hypertension and diabetes all within the first month of me being pregnant.

Pressing On: Ending a Marriage

Share a time when you felt spiritually abandoned 

I felt spiritually abandoned when I decided to end my marriage on our second anniversary. I had fasted, prayed, and yielded to the Spirit during the most difficult season of my life and, in my mind, had received nothing in return. I honestly thought that God was mad at me. Here I was 28, on my second marriage, and I felt like I had gotten "Punked" on what was supposed to be a day of celebration. I felt like God had turned His back on me. 

Pressing On: Losing a Significant Other

Share a time when you felt spiritually abandoned?

The moment I found out that my fiancé passed away was the first time I felt COMPLETELY abandoned. My body was there, but my spirit was someplace else. When I got out of bed, I went through the motions of life.  I was just waking up to get through the next moment.

Pressing On: Women Chronicles

Empower other women

God has connected me to some ah-may-zing women! 

Their stories, their ability to overcome, their beauty, their intelligence, their strength, their grace; I am moved by their essence. This thing, this life, is so much bigger than us. We are all connected through our womanhood, our experiences, and our message.

I am a firm believer in spending more time collaborating than causing dissension and drama. With every inch of my being I really dislike drama and the inability we can possess to work together for a greater good. I am a constant learner and I am energized by women who are on a mission to leave their footprints on the world. 

In the process of sharing my story and empowering you through On the Heels of My Father I wanted to celebrate some of the women I admire and share their stories with you these last few weeks of May. 

I want women, who feel defeated by the chapter they are living in their story, to know that God has the power to shift atmospheres. He can change your playgrounds and playmates but you have to be willing to yield, be honest about where you are, and remain faithful about the season changing. 

Empower, Uplift, Purpose:
This too shall pass. 

Heads up, #nomakeup, #noweight, Press On!

Share a time when you felt spiritually abandoned

Last year the saying, “if it ain’t one thing it’s another” was the theme and I kept wondering where God was in the midst of this chaos. Giving up our house, losing a car, behind on bills; I felt like my prayers were stopping at the top of my voice and never penetrating the atmosphere. It’s difficult to see your way out of a situation you are walking through and I honestly couldn’t see beyond that place.