I can say that for a month I was in a real depression. Physically I felt powerless and, I would say, less of a woman. Emotionally I was more confused than hurt but spiritually I was lost: “But God you said…” “But God our hearts…” “But God what happened…” “But God, why not…”
Then the But God became BUT GOD!
As odd and slightly awkward as it may sound I have met more women who have miscarried over this last month than I’ve ever met in life. What God reassured me, during this trial, was that if I can remember the God said he will reaffirm my ability to Press On. Their stories, not any different from mine, but their strength of how they were able to press on is why God sent them my way.
1. God wants your whole heart even when you feel like you can’t find the pieces. That makes no sense in the moment but it is the absolute truth.
Psalm 105:4 “Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always.” Always=Continually
2. God has a plan for the plan you THOUGHT you had and His why’s wouldn’t make any sense even if He explained.
Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.”
3. Not right now doesn’t always mean never but how will you praise Him in this season? Better yet WILL you praise Him in this season?
Habakkuk 2:3 “For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, WAIT FOR IT; it will certainly COME and will NOT delay.”
4. Do NOT be afraid! (This is for me) Occasionally the enemy will try to make me believe I’m tainted or inadequate but my Daddy said…
1 Peter 5:7 “Give all your worries to Him because He cares about you.”
The day I found out I began to write:
Dear baby bumblebee,
It pains me to write this knowing that you will never read it. Why did you have to go so soon? Sprouts of hands and toes, feet and arms were the next step of your developmental life. Limbs that would kick my belt buckle like your brother did; hands that would make imprints on the inside of my uterus captured only by the magnifying glass behind my eyes because us mothers notice everything. Your existence on the screen, the day before my 29th birthday, gave me hope but the rhythm of your heart stirred up a concern that only a mother would have and not ignore. They said it was too early for it to be higher but I felt something different—something that led me to believe that you were struggling to press on.
But I did my usual, as directed, thinking daily about that heartbeat whose rhythm just wasn't strong enough for my feet to dance in the streets of peace of mind and full term...
Perhaps it was my attitude.
Perhaps in my concern, through my worry, on the edge of my fear I abandoned you. Never gave you a chance to live because to me you weren't living the way life should be lived.
Perhaps I listened too much to the words spoken by those claiming they weren't ready so much so that I believed I wasn't either…
Whatever that means.
Or maybe you didn't feel that warm welcome from me. The welcome I gave when I spoke unto The Lord, the day 2 tests gave 4 positives in the life of your brother that, like Hannah, Lord I dedicate him to you; a welcome before knowing that he was indeed a He.
No, this time, I walked, laughed, moved, and lived a regular routine because when you have done something once you label yourself an expert.
Perhaps I should've made you feel special. Set a part. Included.
And then maybe you wouldn't have caught the first bus on the cycle of detachment, drifting down the sewage rivers of farewell, leaving me feeling like a failure and completely desolate.
But as my angel pray for me and I will press on, never forgetting our time together.
I love you!
4 seven weeks too soon
On The Heels of My Father: A Devotional, Page 193
Remove The Makeup is about being transparent, even when you don’t want to be, with the hope that your story will touch someone else. God sent me some amazing women and I pray that if you have experienced a recent loss that ONE thing I’ve shared will give you the boost to keep pressing!
Each day is its own journey but we better make sure we are following God and not trying to lead the way. On my most discouraging days God always comforts me and for that I #pressOn.
“My faith tells me that, in the midst of what I perceive as the upheaval of my life, God has everything under control. It tells me that He, more than anyone, feels my pain, understands the void my miscarriage left, and counts my tears. It reassures me I'm never alone. And it tells me that as long as I remain open to God, he'll continue rebuilding my heart—still, and ever-more, the heart of a mother—one piece at a time.”
Laura L. Mills is a writer who lives in Illinois.
For Support:
GOD
In General
For those moments when you want to give up, throw in the towel, turn your back on God, turn your back on your #Godsaid, or abandon your purpose; For those moments when your money is a little funny, situation is a little dim, or the doctors give a negative report, God says to keep pressing. Don't give up! He has something greater! "I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus."- Phil 3:14
*On The Heels of My Father: A Devotional is now on Kindle! It will also be on iBooks and Nook within the next few weeks!
* Have a testimony to share for the Pressing On series?
Submit it here: mystory@removethemakeup.com
The kid saying prayer:
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| For better or worse: Our love will run smooth like butter |
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