Game ran....

Absent Fathers

Flipping through letters that once excited me.
I never thought that I would ever get in contact with him again but when I did I was very proud of myself for being so persistent.
For believing in when most would say was impossible.
For having faith in someone I only shared genes with.

I'm flipping though letters written to me...

but the context, 7 years later, confuses me.

Looking like Celie from the Color Purple as I flip but feeling the way that she felt when the content didn't match the reality.

"She say only death can keep her from me... maybe she dead." ~Celie

He said nothing but death could keep him from my graduation... from high school that is.

I have talked to him since then so I know he is still alive.

He said he has nothing but pain if "any man" makes me cry....

and I wonder if he included himself in that.

He said he will never let me down again.

I mean he promised that.

He said he needed me.

and that I was the best thing that has ever happened to him....

ha!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have had game ran on me

by my own father.

Little girls grow up thinking that the man in their life should be just like their father.

But I don't want the man in my life to be like mine.

A pathological liar....

I can do without.

I have been yearning to see this person that looks just like me.

I have prayed and maintained perfect peace because I don't see this lifetime ending without my seeing him.

Sometimes I wish that we would pass each other on the street and not realize it.

Or bump into each other in a rush boarding planes.

Just to have felt his existence.

To know that I haven't created this reality up in my dream life...

Or sometimes

like maybe twice a year

I just wish

that he would think about me hard enough

just to pick up the phone

and call me.

Or call someone else and just ask about me.

You said you will always love me no matter what....

That's nice.

Because no matter what Mr. Stykes

I will always love you too.

#nomakeup

All my love,

Caneeka