School, love, and faith.... these things remain: At 5am

So here I am again at wee hours of the morning and I know you’re like does this chick ever sleep and the answer my friend is um… no! I have 2 tests tomorrow and this is my break because my head hurts and if I read another paragraph about the population, sample, variance, standard deviation, point estimate, hypothesis, null hypothesis, alpha level of .05, the square root of ANYTHING, the t-statistic, or z-score I am GOING TO JUMP OUT OF MY window!!! So I switched from stats to marriage and family therapy and I’m like YAY! Thank you HD 262, Chapter 9 about sexuality and everything that comes along with it that people don’t want to talk about. YAY for syphilis!!! That makes me want to go out and LOVE someone all night! So I move on to chapter 10… yay family planning and contraceptives! AHHHHHHHHH! So I decide to leave that alone and organize my life in HD 462 which makes me want to die. It’s one of my “W” courses and um just when I thought I had everything under control and I thought all of my MANY papers weren’t due until December 6, HA I look at the syllabus again and yeah… .um…. everything is due November 29! So that means I have a 15-20 page curriculum (which consists of 4 units, 6 lesson plans, only thoroughly do 3 of them which equals 12 lesson plans, 12 power points, 12 activities, and 12 ice breakers. We must anticipate each lesson lasting for 2 hours. So that an estimate of a days worth of lessons.), four 2 page observations, and a revised 7 page philosophy of life statement to be due by the 29. On top of my 8-10 page midterm to type by the 22nd. GO CANEEKA! But I’m not that stressed. I figured if I did a lesson plan a day beginning on the 10th I would be done by the 21st. We’ll see how that works out. lol

So I’m sitting here listening to Toni Braxton’s song Trippin’ on the computer on repeat and I realize how much I absolutely love this song! Some things just won’t work regardless how much you love that person, regardless how much you believe in the potential/possibility of the relationship. The reality of the matter rests that the two of you might be better off for other people. But what to do with the realism? How do you just COMPLETELY let go of that which knows you better than you know yourself? How do you walk away from your best friend? I don’t know…. hmmm…. I don’t know…. At church on Sunday 1. they sung my song I Won’t Complain and of course, like always, I start crying but more importantly the sermon was about having faith. The scripture came from

Exodus 14: 13-15 which reads, “Moses answered the people, “Don’t be afraid! Stand still, and see what the Lord will do to save you today. You will never see these Egyptians again. The Lord is fighting for you! So be still!” Then the Lord said to Moses, “why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to start moving.”

The sermon went more into detail about, in order for one to go forward one must have faith but must also "be still" in the process. So this made me think about us and I felt as if God was telling me to chill out, to stop thinking and looking so hard and deep into the situation. "Be still" and have faith in me and then you guys will be able to move forward in whatever direction is meant for you guys to go. So with that in mind and me being the impatient person I am, I’m trying to "Be still" because I already have the faith but I do have a problem being still and waiting.

Hebrews 11:1 says, “Faith assures us of things we expect and convinces us of the existence of things we cannot see.”

That’s my problem, with everything, trying to see how things will end up, taking into consideration the current status and that’s for any situation. I guess that means I not only need to be still but I also need to build my faith. hmmm...

Well let me get back to my studying… or better yet, the bed, considering it’s 4:49am.

Whatever I don’t know by now… oh well.

Until next time!

May God bless and keep you!

Post Relationship

I only want what’s best for you
but
you always push me away
I’m tired of walking that path with you
trying to think of what to say
And when the words make their way
you always shoot them down to death
Taking my inhaler, as I’m running out of breath
And you’d never understand
because
you hear what you wish
You’re thinking love is lovely
but
deep inside I’m pissed
I’m tired of being tired of this,
the bull,
the arguments,
and
such
Sometimes this gets hard for me
you know
dealing with the break-up
You always want to talk
and
see sh** from your view
Talking without listening
as you’re looking for a clue
And no I never guide you
because
it’s not that deep for real
The aftermath of you and I
this is how I feel
Sometimes I get scared
because
they said I couldn’t do it again
I’ve prepared myself for the loss
without even thinking I could win
I find myself
not me
being someone else’s type
Trying to live for the two of us
confused about this life
And I couldn’t be your wife
because
there’s so much sh** to that
Trying to move forward
as my face
still looks back
Tired of trying to coach myself
into
letting you love me more
Closing every window
just to crawl out of the door
Loving you too much
to even
love to let you go
The more we continue this merry-go-round,
the friendship continues to grow
And it’s impossibly to be friends
with someone who has your heart
Mending all of the pieces
but it still falls apart
Wanting not to call you
as I press the one touch dial
Needing to be arrested
as I’m sitting through this trial
Moving on slowly
meeting someone else
Haven’t done this in years
I’m actually needing help
But I’m not allowing myself the chance
to
know “him” on any level
Still trying to put YOU in place
as
I’m saying
“us again…. never”

© justice
4 Orion’s belt