The Wife: How To Die To Your Flesh In Your Marriage

Ah, marriage. The ultimate goal for some people to give their relationship a final definition. On the outside looking in YOU think that they've arrived. Because after all, the wedding was gorgeous. Not only did they play all of Beyoncés hottest jams but they also had open bar; It was the party of the year. Their wedding pictures have been shared by some of the most well known magazines and photographers around and you are thinking you can't wait until it's your turn to jump that broom.

But what you don't know is that a few months after their honeymoon, they each started to die.

Yep the highlight reel you see on social media doesn't show you the argument where the husband had to die to his temper: 

"A fool vents all his feelings, But a wise man holds them back" (Proverbs 29:11).

You don't see the confrontations where the wife has to die to her tongue: 

"The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell [...] Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be" (James 3:6 and 10).

You don't see the compromise where they both have to die to their selfish desires: 

"Then he said to them all, Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me" (Luke 9:23).

You don't see the DEATHS they have within their marriage in order to project LIFE through their covenant:

"But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you. Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live. For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory" (Roman 8:10-17).

In marriage you gain a lot: a partner to do life with, someone to share in your greatest victories and to comfort you through your greatest heartbreaks but what if a few of those heartbreaks are made by your partner. How do you navigate your way through those bumps in the road or those tough seasons that last longer than bumps? How do you die to your flesh when it seems like you're the only one dying?

This is the part of the post where you stop reading because you have it going on in your marriage or NONE of your friends have this happening in their marriage. This is where I ask you to come back and dig deeper to the parts of you no one else knows about but you and God.

Have you [ever] rolled your eyes at your spouse when they weren't looking? Have you [ever] expressed (to yourself) how much your spouse gets on your nerves/nags you and how tired you are of it? Have you [ever] thrown something [after an intense moment of fellowship] that your spouse didn't see? Have you [ever] cried out of hurt, aggravation, annoyance, loneliness, confusion?

Integrity is doing the right thing when NO ONE is looking.

Maybe it was year one or year two and by year three you thought your marriage was over. Or maybe you are at year three and all of hell has broken loose. Maybe you are at year 8 (like us) and you've seen the worst behind you but you know there are more tests to come. No matter what your marital season looks like: You are not alone!

I would love to tell you how it's not your fault, it's their fault and they deserve whatever reactions you give them in person or in private but the way my conviction is set up... I can't.

What I can tell you are some ways to die to your flesh when you want to act out:

1. Sharpen your discernment

"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ" (Philippians 1:9-10).

How can we recognize when we need to die to something if we haven't sharpened our spirits to be in tune with what God's word says. I love that this scripture says "that your LOVE may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight." Because knowing what the definition of love is, if that love abounds more and more then we can get in alignment with God's vision for our marriage. We have to be on guard for the enemy who is lurking for an entry into our homes. His primary goal is to break up the family and that starts with the marriage. If he can get in your spirit and stir up any type of complaint, anger, discontentment; allow our mind and eyes to wander to the "next thing" that walks by, then he has won this battle. But if we can peep him (check him out) before he arrives, allowing us to stay ahead of the curve ball coming our way, then we will be able to see marriage the way God sees marriage. I have worked at this for so long I can now discern when my spirit has shifted. When I have allowed the enemy to get in through my emotions and because I recognize the gateway, I remove myself (to the shower, to the closet) and get quiet asking the Holy Spirit to remove that junk within me that doesn't reflect Him. Scott has this thing where he says, "It's on you" and he will walk away. Lol! If I haven't noticed it already it's a good indicator that his discernment has picked up on something in my spirit. This is why Empower M.E. (Marital Enrichment) was birth to encourage couples to know God for yourself and not depend on your spouse to be God for you. You both have to be able to discern God's voice and the enemy's tactics in order to kill off anything that doesn't look like God.

2. Shut up!

"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry" (James 1:19).

A few years ago God taught me a huge lesson in simply shutting my mouth when it came to "intense moments of fellowships" within my marriage. He showed me how He could change the atmosphere and heart of my husband better than I could without using my ole faithful friend called yelling. I grew up around loud talkers, loud laughing and some real to the bone yellers and unfortunately by the time I got married, that was my way of handling confrontations and arguments. What I wasn't prepared for was the fact that my husband did not come from the same type of communicators so when I would yell, he would stare. Listen, nothing makes a yeller angrier than someone looking at them [quietly] while they yell at them. So God, in the best way He knew how, told me to SHUT UP and let me speak through your silence. It's so easy to go back and forth with someone because through our pride we feel like we deserve to be heard and doggone it you will NOT get the last word. But honestly in those moments no one will hear what the other person is saying. No matter how genuine, how loud or how quietly you speak, if someone has jumped beyond the sentence of "slow to become angry" you might as well sit back and let them keep going. The enemy wants to create this atmosphere of chaos in your house and he especially wants there to be an air of confusion between you and your spouse. If he can get you out of control with your mouth and your emotions he has officially checked in [to your house] and will probably stay camped there for a few days. But if you have sharpened your discernment and you see where your spouse is headed you can ask God to give you ears to hear and to keep your lips sealed no matter what your spouse says that might get you going. The sooner we understand that no one is exempt from being used by the enemy (that includes our spouses) then the sooner we can start putting an end to his plans to get inside of our marriage. Die to that mouth of yours and instead take all of your smart comments to the Lord and I promise you He will convict you. Trust me... I've done it before. ;)

3. Check your circle

"Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm" (Proverbs 13:20).

In our circles it's so easy to be blinded by the influence they have on our lives. And at our age (31) when we hear the word "influence" we might think drugs/alcohol/sex/clubbing. But that type of thinking is how we become fools. We can be influenced by the stuff other people have, by their success, by their character, by their values. What people fear when they get married is that they will "lose" their friends. I had that thought at 22 and I know so many others who have shared that same fear. What I've learned over the years is that people don't necessarily think that their friends are that shady to not walk with them in friendship after they get marriage but they are afraid of the wisdom they will gain being married and the revelation God will give them about their friendships [after they get married]. There's a lot to be said about the friend who can respect your spouse and treat them like family just as they perceive you but there's even more to be said about the friend who expects you to not to grow as a person and at the first sign of disagreement, they tell you that you have become "brand new." Just because you have been friends since kindergarten doesn't mean that's the person who will be the best counsel for wisdom now that you are married. And if you go through your list of friends and you know the type of advice each of them will give and you know that it won't line up with the type of husband/wife you are trying to be in your marriage then you need to learn how to talk to God and wait for Him to give you an answer. And just as God introduced you and your kindergarten friend back in grade school, stay firm in your belief that He has someone on your path to be a great spiritual mentor and friend on this journey you are on in your marriage.

4. Be the bigger person... and apologize

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. [...] Brothers and sisters, stop thinking like children. In regard to evil be infants, but in your thinking be mature" (1 Corinthians 13:11; 1 Corinthians 14:20).

Wait! Before you x out of this blog, read that verse again: "Stop thinking like children." I will caveat whatever the Holy Spirit sends to my fingers to share with, I am notorious for NOT being the bigger person. Don't make that face. I'm not perfect, my marriage isn't perfect; Scott and I are two VERY imperfect people who love a perfect God and desire for His grace to be seen in our marriage. So that's the first thing. But what I've learned is that maturity is being able to own up to your junk and face it with your head held high. If you blurred the lines of boundaries, face the music. If you started a fight to avoid having sex, own up to your junk. If you got loud during a discussion wearing your heart of offense on your sleeve, own up to your junk. The biggest issue in marriage when it comes to moving forward is that we get stuck right here (at point #4) OR we pretend what happened never happened and we cruise on by the apology part. Some of you are in your marriages with an "It is what it is" attitude and that's the worst place to be when you have made a committment to your spouse and God. How can we grow as individuals when we can't handle our marriages with the care that God handles us with? How can we grow as a team when we make a decision to drink pride punch but expect to piss excellence? It's NOT going to happen. That's an unrealistic attitude to have and a dream that was SOLD to you by society. When people say marriage is WORK they mean THIS part right here: Admitting you screwed up and seek forgiveness in order to grow forward.

5. Don't get sucked into the black hole

"However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband" (Ephesians 5:33).

Emerson Eggerichs wrote a book entitled Love and Respect where he describes this back and forth that marriages find themselves getting "sucked into" as The Crazy Cycle. Basically the thesis of the book is that women need love and men need respect but because it is difficult for women to respect and for men to love (I'm speaking from a manner that is biblical and pushes against society's standard of "respect" and "love") they find themselves on this merry go round where essentially our spirtual parts are screaming for the thing (love or respect) we didn't receive. The Crazy Cycle "says" without love she won't give him the respect he deserves and without respect he won't give her the love she needs and it continues until someone (see point #4) decides they will no longer continue on the crazy cycle and they put an end to the madness by working on giving their spouse what they need/deserve. This was the 2nd book we received when we first got married. We went on to take classes going through the book, watched the video series of the book and eventually taught the book to other married couples. It is a book we reference every time we talk to couples and it is usually what we give to couples as wedding gifts. But when I tell you we have been on the crazy cycle so many times, even with this knowledge; We have been on the crazy cycle SO many times. I have labeled it the black hole because it will suck you in before you realize you've been snatched up. What's tricky about the crazy cycle is that you feel like you are being genuine with what you consider to be respect and/or love and then the next thing you know all hell breaks loose and you are looking like a lost child in the wilderness wondering how the heck you got to that point. I have a very sarcastic tone because I'm passive aggressive. That. comes. out. in. discussions. where. I'm. trying. to. really. be. respectful. YET. my. EMOTIONS. are. still. tainted. Listen, marriage is like that glass half full/half empty theory but the difference is that EACH OF YOU get a glass. But it's up to your SPOUSE to know where your glass is at and if you think you've been doing the right thing but it honestly hasn't been received in the right way then we have a great recipe for the crazy cycle. Don't get sucked into the black hole. Make sure that you ask your spouse if what you did/said came across disrecpectful or unloving. I can be a very non verbal reader so CHECK those at the door also. If you feel offended, share that (in an appropriate manner) and if the atmosphere is too tense then... [next point]

6. Create a code word/phrase

At some point in our marriage we had been on the crazy cycle so much we were like I was like forget this, I want OUT! Like Jamie Foxx, two fingers to the sideeeee. I came, I tried, I'm about to get ta-steppin'. *Martin voice* Primarily because I was young and I didn't understand marriage AND spiritual warfare AND how the enemy works AND using my gift of discernment WITHIN my marriage, whew, it was a lot. But one day during our cycle circling Scott says, let's start over. *gasp* Talk about a SHIFT in the atmosphere. I remember being extremely pissed off but when your spirit is in alignment with God's voice you can recognize His heart when your spouse uses a phrase like "let's start over" and you can't help but to feel convicted by your level of anger and start over. It broke down everything the enemy had built up at that point and it stretched our marriage beyond description. Those 3 words changed the game and we (you and I) make marriage this difficult mountain that we are constantly climbing but sometimes it just takes BOTH of you to start over and clear the air. Another one of my favorites comes from his grandmother who, when she knows she's about to say something out of line, will say, "Be quiet *her name in third person*." I laughed forever the first time I heard her say that and then I thought I need to use that because it can keep me off the crazy cycle and keep the peace in my marriage if I just learn that everything I WANT to say because it will make ME FEEL GOOD doesn't ALWAYS need to be said. So sometimes saying, "be quiet Caneeka" can keep the party going and allow me to take it to God.

7. The root of the problem is the real problem (identify it)

Something I'm very passionate about is encouraging couples to address the real problem. Don't tell me you are ready to flip a table because I cooked chicken and you wanted duck [I Think I Love My Wife reference] when in acutality you are mad because I didn't listen to you when you said you were thinking about becoming a vegetarian and my lack of listening to be encouraging through my words AND actions reminded you of how your mother/father/sister/brother would do the same thing and it makes you feel ignored or forgotten (That didn't happen to us just an example people, lol). I spent the first few years of my marriage acting a plum fool because of daddy issues that had grown into fear of abandonment in a marriage. Which created a thick layer of trust issues with men. Which made me not want to commit to anyone or anything EVER, yet here I was trying to be somebody's wife. *side eye* I had to start sharing those fears and frustrations with Scott because my responses would be a chicken vs. duck reaction when neither of us said anything about food. You can't be in a marriage battling depression, anxiety, sexual addictions because you were raped as a child or anything else that you've buried for years and now you've made a commitment to this person and you are TERRIFIED to be transparent about your struggles. STOP hiding behind these masks of what masculinity looks like or how a real (Proverbs 31) wife acts and just BE REAL. BE YOU. BE HONEST and stop making your spouse feel like they should never buy chicken again when you should be asking them to pray with/for you and help you through whatever it is that you are battling with internally.

8. Table it and seek Gods face

"I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit[a] of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people" (Ephesians 1:17-18).

Sometimes you can go through points 1-7 and still feel emptiness in your marriage. Sometimes you get to a point where you feel like you've done everything you can possibly think of and it still hasn't made a difference. Maybe you aren't being honest with your spouse because you are afraid that they won't understand. Maybe you are a believer and your spouse isn't and you can't explain to them how to do marriage God's way without them cursing God. Perhaps you have been so silent for so long, you are now sharing a space with a "roommate" who was once your better half. Every day in marriage won't look like your engagment or wedding day. Every discussion in marriage won't get resolved before midnight. Every bump in the road won't be just a bump but maybe it will be a bump on a log with a frog in the middle of the sea (#tbt). But no matter where you are in your walk as husband and wife God can change atmospheres, hearts, lives, homes; he can mend what's been broken, fill what's been emptied, bring peace to a chaotic situation if you just seek Him. Not just when the money is overflowing, NOT just when the sex is so good you wake up making biscuits for breakfast, NOT just when all the bills are paid but seek Him to KNOW Him so that "you may know the HOPE to which He has called you." Sometimes in marriage our ability to do it on our own FAILS. We can't figure it ALL out. We can't answer all of the questions. We can't address ALL of the issues. We can't die to ourselves in the manner we need to because we lack the wisdom and revelation that comes from knowing Him. I didn't know Him the way I needed to know Him for many years in my marriage and it created some HORRIBLE moments for us. But the moment I picked up my flesh off the table and brought it to Him, He began to show me how to die to those thoughts, feelings, emotions daily and to stand firmly on the covenant He has given me.

Marriage is about doing your part so that He can impart His grace through your covenant.

Everyone has a responsibility: Heaven is not a 2 for 1 deal.

So tell me...

Have you died today?

All my love,

Caneeka