Behind the makeup: The Mother: What Stay At Home Moms Want You To Know

So often we (silently) judge what we don't understand. We create our own narratives and ideas around a certain lifestyle or profession and usually we miss the mark by a long shot. If you are new to my story, I left my job at NASA back in June to be home with my sons (4 years old and 14 months), support my husbands business and to pursue my purpose, all because God told me to. Actually, He pushed me out of the door after I attempted to delay being obedient to His directions but none the less that road led me here.

I never desired to be a stay at home mom. I've been around working women my entire life and as a dedicated feminist I felt like women made the greatest impact in the corporate world. After Scott and I got married God really began to reveal to me that my purpose was greater than a 9 to 5. That what He has created me to do could not ALL be achieved working for someone else. After receiving that insight I told Scott that my goal was to be a stay at home wife. See that? The key word in that sentence is WIFE. I wasn't thinking about children and I definitely didn't consider being at home with them. But we all know that God gives us a piece of the plan and not the entire picture.

Scott and I were married 4 years before we had our first son. I started my job at NASA in the summer of 2010 and by the fall of 2010 we were expecting. Throw in a reorganization, budget cuts, pay decrease, a miscarriage and a government shut down and you have baby number two on the way. By the second pregnancy I began to feel God directing me towards the door. Aside from the cost of daycare being more than my bi-weekly check, I knew within my spirit that it was time.
From my (brief) experience being at home with the boys I have some nuggets I wanted to share with those people out there who, like I once was, have a distorted perception of women who are at home full time.

She is more than what you PERCEIVE

Here at removethemakeup dot com the focus is on transparency as a means to empower those who are feeling alone in their seasons and struggles. So here's my truth moment: Women who stay at home work just as hard as the women behind the desks (maybe harder). Sure you see us out with our double strollers, giving you the run down of the latest kid friendly restaurants and developmental cues but you fail to realize it took a few tantrums, outfit changes, diaper bag packing, car loading and a lot of prayer just to be perceived as this person who "chills" all day.

Listen, my days have not been chill. As a matter of fact I'm thinking about more things for this day and the next two days just to make sure I don't find myself sinking in my own adjustment. What you see is a woman who you think is able to sleep all day and I know the woman who wakes up at 6:30am (or earlier depending on your schedule) at the first sound of a giggle on the monitor and doesn't go back down until 11pm

She is not PERFECT

Women who stay at home DO NOT have it all together. *insert gasp* You mean the women who are at HOME all DAY don't have spotless houses?!? Quick answer: No. I talked to a lot of SAHM (stay at home mom's) before my leap and they all told me the same thing: don't get so fixated with having the perfect house because it is unrealistic. Of course, being the optimist that I am, I attempted to keep a spotless house as much as I could. Don't get me wrong, our house isn't a train wreck but it's not Home and Garden either. What I discovered on my quest for perfection was that I was neglecting the time I now had to be with my children. Some women decide to go home for many different reasons but one of the things that was so pressing for me was that I had 2 hours, Monday-Friday to spend time with my sons and honestly that time consisted of preparing dinner, bathing them and getting them in bed. While that seems like the norm for most families, I no longer enjoyed that norm. I discovered that I enjoyed being a mother more than I imagined and the concept of the corporate world no longer fell into alignment with Gods purpose for my life. While I would love to say that stay at home moms are the blueprint for what all mothers should aspire to be (because they have the "free time"), I remind myself of my own faults, struggles and fears making it impossible to spread that lie.

Many people don't consider that there is a loneliness to being home. Think about it, most people gain valuable relationships through their jobs or with other people who you see often who possibly work nearby. When that aspect is removed and your spouse/significant other continues with their day and going to their job, the only ones left are you and your children. Often we underestimate the power of one on one conversations with other adults: "I get energy from one-on-one conversations most often, and I lose energy from group conversations most often." -Reid Hoffman

Contrary to popular belief I am a true introvert: I enjoy that place and I find comfort there. I knew coming home would disconnect me from those random yet sometimes comforting conversations that I would have with my co-workers. And no matter how serious people seem about "getting together," understand that their lives don't revolve around seeing and talking to you. Being home can become mundane and lonely. You can become doubtful and confused and the enemy's voice can scream louder than your thoughts.

You don't see the tears she sheds for strength, hear her prayers for wisdom or witness the work she does just to stay prepared for what the next day holds. You see someone who seems perfect but she lives a life desiring to be better.

She is no PUNK (not the genre of music)

America is a country where those who choose family over the workforce are looked at as strange and too "weak" to handle the pressures that the corporate world holds. They are looked at as lacking the skills to balance their home and work life and sometimes the women are labeled as being weak or subservient. Open the door for the extreme feminist and you have a box created for those who choose one over the other. If you choose family then you can't refer to yourself as a feminist because "exactly what are you standing for?" Before you send me emails about these statements these are actual comments I've read or heard from real people. The woman (or man) who decides that their family is a priority becomes the target for interrogation and the poster child for someone who needs a job. I am here to tell you that stay at home moms are not punks! They aren't weak and uneducated people who "just" decided to "do nothing" all day. Many stay at home moms have multiple degrees, were the presidents and CEOs of their company, were the prospective experts in their field of choice.
One husband describes perfectly why stay at home moms aren't "punks" by sharing why he can't afford his stay at home wife:

"Add that onto our very conservative estimates for childcare, house cleaning, and shopping, and that’s an annual salary of $73,960. Looking objectively at an almost insultingly conservative average of the services rendered, I cannot afford my wife. And let’s remember, there’s no sick leave with childcare, there’s no paid time off, there’s no 401(k). All of the incentives that someone who makes over 70K a year would normally enjoy are not part of this deal. All of the worker appreciations, merit bonuses, and recognition that comes with being a part of an office are out too."

She still has a PURPOSE

One of the biggest things I battled with in actually leaving my job was feeling like I would be "giving up" on my purpose. I felt like I would no longer be perceived for my gifts and accomplishments WHILE BEING a wife and mother but instead I would be categorized as ONLY a wife and mother, negating my existence as a woman with a purpose outside of motherhood. Don't get me wrong, the biggest accomplishments I've made to date were the 15 hours total of labor and delivery with my sons, however as my cousin in law stated during one of our talks: I was Caneeka before I was mommy. Sure I want my sons to remember me as an amazing mother who supported them and loved them with every fiber of my being and who encouraged them through life's tough seasons but I also want them to remember me as much more: Mommy the writer, the author, dreamer, exhorter, dream interpreter, someone who would empower every person she came in contact with, a woman who believed in speaking out for children who witnessed domestic violence, an activist, a family life educator, a poet, a marriage coach, an overcomer, a world changer. Who we are as women is just as important as how we lead our children and uplift our husbands:

We are beings wearing many hats that matter deeply to us and our purpose.
We have visions that keep us awake at night (when we aren't taking care of little ones who snuck into our bed, soothing teethers, or nursing newborns) that we want to see fulfilled in this lifetime.
We want to be W omen After God's Own Heart, laughing at the days to come [Prov. 31: 25-26].