When God Blocks It...

Today as I was driving back home from visiting my family it began to rain. It was just me and the boys and they had finally settled down from fighting sleep and I entered into a place of worship and dialogue with God. He began to take me back to the moment when I wanted to mend the broken pieces of my life and fill the voids with a relationship with my father that I came so close to meeting him but God blocked it.



I was visiting Texas for the first time in my adult life (and probably ever) and I had just had my first son 6 months prior. I struggled during my pregnancy, harboring many thoughts implanted by the enemy about MY STRUGGLE WITH ABANDONMENT, not being loved by my father and ultimately, ALWAYS FEELING FORGOTTEN AND UNWANTED. The enemy would make me begin to wonder IF MY HUSBAND WOULD BECOME THAT TYPE OF MAN AFTER WE HAD OUR SON. Would he leave me, WOULD HE IGNORE HIS SEED ON THIS EARTH, would he move forward in life doing business as usual? I TRIED TO FIND THE BALANCE BETWEEN CASTING THOSE THOUGHTS OUT BUT ALSO PREPARING MYSELF FOR REALITY... Well the reality that I spent 26 years being broken from.

Friends of ours were getting married in Texas and Scott was in the wedding so it was a mandatory trip we had to make. Because I knew for sure we would be in Texas, only a few hours from where my father lived, I SAW IT AS GOD OPENING A DOOR FOR ME TO BRING CLOSURE TO THAT AREA OF MY LIFE. (Someone say "I saw it").

I want to pause to say that I had just finished the re release of my poetry book and a college friend of mine, when I expressed my obsession with having this man be a part of my life, said to me,

Caneeka... What if God didn't purpose him to be in your life? What if this is strategic and the plan God had for him was to be the vessel to get you here.

At the time I didn't understand God in that manner but I was discerning enough to feel like that made a lot of sense. That concept was one that penetrated my spirit so much so that I put it as a dedication in my book for those who struggle in that area like I did.

Back to the trip to Texas. Because I saw this as a "God filtered opportunity" [the quotations are key], I made this entire agenda with his family. We were going to meet and I was going to have questions answered and maybe, finally feel WHOLE!

When you have Christ, you are complete. He is the head over all leaders and powers Colossians 2:10

One thing I can't ignore and fail to share is that when I try to ignore the uneasy feeling in my heart about a decision, God has this way of literally turning my stomach to bring me to a complete place of pause and reflection. During this time I was still partying a good bit so I felt amazing the entire weekend despite the weather being typical humid and randomly rainy Texas weather.

The morning of our trip I wake up and look out the window and it was A FULL STORM OUTSIDE. You guys...

I'm not talking scattered showers with a 85% chance of sun. I'm talking about black skies, huge raindrops, thunder, lightning, wind: the works. To add to the major shift in the weather, my stomach was turning so hard I kept feeling like I had something stuck in my throat making it hard to swallow AND I felt uneasy: God brought the BLOCK!

My prayer is always that I don't miss God when He shows up. We might walk in disobedience,  eventually taking heed and receiving our ah-ha moment but I NEVER WANT TO CHANGE THE COURSE OF THE PLAN HE'S CREATED FOR MY LIFE DUE TO MY INABILITY AND PRIDE TO HEAR WHEN HE'S TELLING ME, ABSOLUTELY NOT CANEEKA.

I spent that morning going back and forth with God because part of me KNEW before I left home that SOMETHING was going to happen to prevent this meeting from happening. Primarily because the word my friend spoke was so real and because of the dynamic of our relationship, being someone I hardly ever talk to, I knew it was God speaking though him. But the other part of me was yearning for that void to be filled:

I WANTED CLOSURE, I WANTED TO FEEL LOVED, I WANTED TO STOP FEELING LIKE I WAS UNWANTED AND FORGOTTEN AND THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM OF THE MINDS OF THOSE WHO MIGHT NOT EVER THINK ABOUT ME.

I wanted VALIDATION from a group of PEOPLE who could not then or ever validate the woman God has created.

I mourned in that moment, filling pillows with tears that resembled the view outside the window. I cried because I knew that He had spoken. Not just for that moment but for the rest of my life. That when we place more of a desire and emphasis for a person, place or thing and it's not God ordained for our life and the purpose He has for our LIVES, we will MISS the beauty in what He's trying to do in us, with us and ultimately protect us from.

He answered me, “I am all you need. I give you My loving-favor. My power works best in weak people.” I am happy to be weak and have troubles so I can have Christ’s power in me (2 Corinthians 12:9 NLV).

That was almost 5 years ago but today's drive, was a beautiful reminder of how far He's grown me from that moment of desperation for an earthly father.

He continues to strengthen me each day, always reminding me that He has always been the one who fills voids, the one who has loved me then, now and forever, the one who embraces orphans, the one who has remembered me before I was conceived and will never leave or forget me.

God continues to take these ashes of my life and make them into a beautiful testimony from a girl who felt empty but his grace and out pouring of love makes me whole...

God I thank you for stepping in and redirecting the focus of my prayers to be rooted in you and your heart and not in my pain and emptiness. I get lost in worshiping you because your version of my story is beyond my comprehension and there's freedom in that place of trust and surrender.

Whether it's a man, woman, job, physical move, friendships, school choices, opportunities that you think are once in a lifetime or a gut wrenching desire to be wanted by someone you feel should automatically want you, trust me, embrace the God led blocks in your life...

There's freedom (and something better than you could've imagined) on the other side of your "Here Am I" surrender...

Thy Will Be Done.

Loving my shirt! Have you gotten yours? 

The Lord God helps me, so I will not be ashamed. I will be determined, and I know I will not be disgraced (Isaiah 50:7).

Unveil Your Ashes, Reveal His Beauty.

What's your story?

When you forget to bring your selfie stick