Behind the makeup: I have a baby now what?!

Put him in the stroller travel system to run to the car last night. LOL

2/15/13 Much happier

I’ve had almost 20 months to take notes, reflect, engage, experiment, and indulge in this mommy life; A life that I never imagined being a part of. If you don’t know my story I never thought about having children in the sense of actually having one. I think every girl will play around with the idea of if I have a daughter her name will be *fill in the blank* or if I have a boy his name will be *fill in the blank* But even “playing that game,” in the back of my mind I would think, "I doubt I will ever have children." A lot of that stemmed from me believing that I would never get married because I would never meet someone who would be all that I imagined in a God fearing man. God loves a challenge just to let you know so be mindful of your doubts. At any rate, when I bypassed the marital stage I knew that children would eventually come and I was trying to prolong that as much as possible.

June 2010 at a ball

August 2010

Finally God came to my husband and said you will get pregnant in 2010. So the entire year I was on edge. Saying things like God I’m not ready, I have no idea how to be a mother, babies are so small, those carriers are too heavy, I’m too selfish; Lord I’m just not ready. Give me one more year I said. And His response… silence. Why because He had already spoken. So the best thing I could do was stop making excuses because the kid was coming, increase my weight training to carry this crazy, heavy carrier, and start praying over those areas that I thought I lacked abilities.

October 2010 (Pregnant and had no idea)

Same weekend (Oct 2010). Here I started thinking hmmm something is going on. Found out following week I was expecting.

So we conceived in October 2010, baby came in June 2011 and my introduction to motherhood began.

April 2011

So in that time I created a very informal, unconventional list of my advice for new moms. Here goes:

1. Pray, pray, pray! Pray over him, lay hands on him, pray over your husband, over yourself; throw yourself at His feet because honey when the going gets tough you are going to need some supernatural strength and anointing. Lol!

2. WRAP THAT BELLY! Use an ace bandage or a really tight girdle to help pull your belly in. Most women get this pouch after having a baby and my line sister, my mom and my aunt made sure that I had this concept down. They supplied me with this girdle that felt like it was the first girdle ever made because it was SO TIGHT. They said put this on (the day I got out of the hospital) and don’t take it off. So I wore that girdle all day and all night. As you breastfeed (if you choose to or can) you will feel your belly contracting so having something pulling you in will help tremendously. As a side note something my mother and my aunt didn’t let me do was walk up and down the stairs. If I was upstairs I had to stay there but in the event I had to come downstairs to walk down backwards; something about pulling on your uterus. Sounded odd to me but I obeyed and for what it’s worth I credit being still to my healing and recovery.

3. Do what you can with the time that you have. Whatever doesn't get done don't worry about it. Many magazines will tell you this. It’s like the staple new mommy advice. I had a team of people helping me which really helped my stress level of having to do everything. But once they left, and I was still on maternity leave, there were days it would take an act of God just for me to take a shower and I'm not talking about a stand/sit down let the water serenade you type of shower. But I remember being all bent out of shape about it when in actuality I couldn't go anywhere anyway. So the only person who knew I was “stinky” was the kid LOL! But if you have a bouncy seat those are awesome because once I got over my anxiety I realized I could put him in the bouncy seat, in the bathroom and take a shower.

4. You are made for this! Don't let magazines/people bring you down about what you are doing as a mother. I was very high anxiety as I stated in that I was so afraid something would go wrong or I would fail as a mother that I was just on edge all the time. When they discharged me from the hospital I said wait… so we’re really about to do this. You guys are going to let me leave with this lil baby. I think I need one more day so how much does that cost. The nurses laughed at me but I was being serious. I was so AFRAID of being responsible for someone other than myself. I felt so inadequate and the more I read parenting magazines the worse I felt. Something happened during my breast feeding period where one day my milk just disappeared. Aside from the fact that I wasn’t producing enough milk to keep up with the hungry bear I had, lol, it really put me in a funk because some parenting magazines make breastfeeding the ultimate option (which it is awesome) but if you can’t breastfeed or you choose not to the articles make you feel like you are the worst parent walking the earth. I remember calling my best friend crying about it and the first thing she told me was throw those magazines away! Lol! I had to spend a lot of time in prayer and ask God to give me that confidence as a mother to not be shaped by what the magazines say "a real mother" is but to be encouraged and empowered by what He has equipped me to do. Now I am like ultimate mother bear! I feel like I’ve been doing this for years. *does twirl*

5. If you mess up trust me the kid won't know. I remember I agonized over crazy stuff and my family/friends would say did the kids tell you that he didn't appreciate when you forgot to xyz? Of course my answer would be no but I felt like everything I did had to be perfect in order for me to meet these “parent of the year” standards. (Which I have no idea where I learned these “standards” from I just knew I wanted to be the best at the job God had blessed me and entrusted me with.)

6. Plan ahead! Ladies let me tell you. I can plan a trip down to the most intricate details on the itinerary but honey when I had the kid I was all over the place. Someone should’ve given me an itinerary but babies don’t come with manuals so you learn by doing (or in my case not doing). Bottles, food for you, snacks, pre packing the bag, keeping supplies in stock, closet/drawers organized; always be ready for whatever! I shared a story on twitter about how my second time out with him I had a dentist appointment. We were in the waiting room and the kid poops. If you don’t know newborn poop is thin because they aren’t eating anything solid to give it a harder consistency. So I take him in the bathroom to change him only to realize 1. They don't have a changing table but they do have this skinny desk/table thing that could probably only fit a vase but I was like okay this will have to work and 2. I forgot to pack his changing pad. (Note here: a changing pad is important. I thought it was stupid until this day happened) smh! So here I am (naturally I'm freaking out as if he cares) trying to figure out how to do this. So I had to lay napkins down on the table, pull out extra clothes, keep him from wiggling on this really small table without having a meltdown because I was ill prepared. There was another time I was out with him and realized I hadn't eaten all day and I was super thirsty but we were on a budget so I couldn't spend money. Now I keep a water bottle in his bag as well as snacks for me (and him). If you are sickly or prone to fainting I’d suggest you carry a purse with things to keep you full of energy. I refused to carry a purse and a diaper bag so I consolidated what I could which meant some stuff would get left out. The bag will evolve the older your child gets but as a mom you have to always be prepared. The kid has thrown me so many curve balls my catching hand is sharp!

7. Write. IT. Down. Lists, lists, lists. Make a list for the list because honey that mommy brain is NO JOKE! Scott thought it was just a saying but he saw firsthand how I went from this witty, smart, have it all together type of girl to this huh, confused face, oh yeah I forgot about that, woman. I remember one day he just stopped and stared at me like I had a disease and said baby seriously are you okay. If you think, "oh I'll remember that" write it down anyway. If you have an iPhone one thing that has helped me even 20 months later is to utilize their reminder app. If you put stuff in there, when something comes to mind, you can set it to remind you about it at a certain time. That has helped me tremendously cut down on the pieces of paper that I had floating around the house.

8. Sleep when the kid sleeps. Best advice ever and I made sure I took heed.

9. Express when you feel overwhelmed. Don't hold anything in. If you don't know, say that you don't know. If you are afraid say that. Feeling depressed? Express it. But don't carry anything inside and give the enemy any room to step in and create chaos when it doesn't have to be that way. #noweight As a mother Postpartum depression is so real and will find you before you can put your finger on it to rebuke it from taking over your spirit. If keeping a journal is helpful utilize that. No time to write lol send a text to yourself. Whatever it is get it out. I sent an email to myself during that early period about how I was feeling; stuff I wouldn’t want to share with anyone because I didn’t want people to get weird but I went back and read it and thought I am so happy I didn’t allow that to just fester in my spirit.
If you have an awesome support system or maybe you have been planning your birth since you

were born, you might not need this advice at all but someone you know will and I encourage you
to share this advice with them. Your friends/family members who are pregnant or just had a
baby reach out to them. Being a first time mom and married can get lonely because your
married w/o kids friends feel like you don’t have anything in common anymore and your single
friends really fall off the face of the earth because now you are married with children (even if it’s
just one, it multiples to your single friends). But new mommies stand up, speak out, and make
sure that you are voicing how you are feeling. If you are having constant negative thoughts you
might need help and there isn’t anything wrong with that. We need to be the best mothers we
can be for our babies. Also finding other mothers you can fellowship with is important. One part
of 'laying aside the weight' is that your circle will change as you grow. Some friends are
standard; will be with you until the earth collapses but other friends are just seasonal. When you
enter the season of being a mother and wife some people will dismiss themselves and others you
will have to make a decision. But you always want to make sure those that you surround yourself
with (whether single, single with kids, married w/o kids or married with kids) are people who
will help you grow as you reciprocate. Otherwise they will drain you more than having to get up
every two hours and in that case the relationship is not worth holding on to. I digress... ;)

10. Reading is fundamental. It might seem silly to read to someone who can only see 2 inches from their face but read, read, read. A major factor of language development comes from how much you dialogue with your baby. Are you talking to your baby in gaga goo-goos or are you speaking to your baby in plain language as I’m writing to you? These things are important to how quickly your child picks up on words and begins to use them properly versus saying the shorthanded form of a word because you feel like they don’t understand. One of the theorists I enjoyed while in undergrad was a guy by the name of Vygostsky who stated that, “language plays 2 critical roles in cognitive development: 1. It is the means by which adults transmit information to children (general conversation, explaining colors, numbers, reading etc.) and 2. Language itself becomes a very powerful tool of intellectual adaptation (Being able to communicate effectively will help their understanding of the world around them). I'm so happy that in understanding the concept of how critical language development is while putting an emphasis on reading, I was able to implement a passion within him to read and now I can tell him go get a book for us to read and he will do so without a battle. (Most times at least. Let’s not forget he’s in the independent stage of toddlerhood lol) So I can’t express this enough read out loud while you’re pregnant and read out loud to the kid as soon as they arrive. Make books the first option to the TV and toys. If they look at books as a toy then you’ve already conquered the battle.

11. Sign up for developmental baby emails such as Babyzone (my favorite), Pampers, or Thebump.com. I say developmental because you want to get the most accurate account as to what stage your child is in so that you can meet them where they are or challenge them to get there. All babies are different so some emails might say your child should be doing xyz but you think, “Hey my kid isn’t doing that. Oh no what’s wrong with them?” Don’t spazz out! It’s okay. I read emails for months where it said my kid should be taking his first step, or walking along the furniture, or just walking and I would say Well Mr. Email my kid is still crawling around like he wants to do that forever. LOL! But I always checked the other developmental milestones on the list to make sure he was meeting at least some of those. In the event that your child is going months not meeting certain, basic milestones and you are becoming concerned be sure to check with your doctor. If, at our appointments, they would ask me if he’s doing something and my answer was no, I would always follow up with “should he be doing that at this stage.” We always want to make sure we are encouraging our children but we have to be knowledgeable as well. Don’t depend on the doctors to keep you up to speed, do your own research so that you can understand your visits.

12. My own personal preference, no clout here, but if you need a diaper incentive (pending you aren’t looking for a natural option), if you use pampers products they have codes on their bags which can be redeemed for points. This program is called gifts to grow. You can use those points to buy stuff. I am like the point snatcher! I ask everyone for their bags if they aren’t utilizing pampers points. LOL!

13. Get a shutterfly account. Shutterfly is an online database that will store your pictures for free which as a new mom we take a million pictures and that was the best thing I discovered! (If you have an iPhone there's an app for shutterfly which makes it even more convenient) But shutterfly is always running specials such as 101 free prints, free photo books etc. With pampers points you can get Shutterfly picture packages (1 8x10, 3 5x7s, 2 4x6). I have 2 photo books that I made for the kid, I have probably used the 101 free prints like 3 or 4 times, and I've gotten 4 packages using my pampers points. So I have every picture I’ve ever taken of the kid printed out, in picture books, or in the books I made and I only paid shipping for everything; Never paid full price. If you love pictures like I do it’s worth checking out (even if you aren't a mommy). :)There is also an app for Walgreens that some of my mommy friends like where you can send your pictures to your nearest Walgreens via your phone and have them print your pictures of your little bug for you! Either way, do not leave the pictures of the babies stored up in a camera. I must admit that it took me 9 months to finally get a picture of him on our mantle. Shameful I know!

14. You are their mother. YOU are. Don't allow other people to try to tell you what they did in 1975 or 1983. Don't get me wrong I will always seek advice as to how they handled a situation but if it sounds like something that's been passed down from 1897 I probably won't do it. I had to remind my family many times that I'm the mother and no I'm not doing that. So much has changed from when our parents were new parents and they want to use the same strategies today. I tell all of my friends if you want my advice understand that I'm a by the book type of parent. I'm not free styling, I'm not doing any type of back in the day remedies. If the pediatrician didn't suggest it I'm not doing it. And that can be hard if you want to be nice to everyone but as the mother you owe it to your child to give it all you have according to what you know. And in order for you to learn, YOU have to do the work, if that makes sense. So tell momma/granny and everyone else it's your time to do this. If I Google it and it doesn't come up as legit I’m not doing it. Haha! (21^st century moms I tell you). But we all had to figure it out because no matter what someone suggests you have to make the best decision according to how you feel and what you believe. You always have the final decision; what you say goes and you can express that in a loving manner where people can feel like they can share things with you without you acting crazy. No burning bridges but being firm is important as a mommy. Not just with your child but with those around you who can become overbearing.

15. HAVE FUN! Dance, be goofy, act silly, make up songs, snuggle them, tell them how much you love them, smother them with kisses, enjoy this moment because honey when it's gone... it's gone. I would always tell myself my son will never be 1 day old again so let me enjoy this 1 day. My son will never be 4 months, 2 weeks, and 3 days old again so let me enjoy this time. I’m a goof troop but it’s true. Having a baby made me realize that I’m not immortal. One day God is going to call me home and I want to make sure that I’m not only being obedient to what He is calling me to do here on earth but I also want to make sure that I am cherishing every moment of my sons life. I want to make sure that I’m healthy enough to keep up, that I’m providing him with opportunities and a foundation of prayer that will carry him many years down the road and that I’m never too full of junk that I can’t focus on my job as a wife and mother.

We've been practicing spelling his name. :)

As always #nomakeup #noweight!

Be called, remember the #Godsaid, step into your purpose, and love every moment!

Share some of your crazy first time mom stories! I'd love to read them!

Our journey!
-Caneeka

P.S. Thank you to all of the ladies/guys who purchased a #nomakeup: The Movement tee! You exceeded my goal by 13 shirts! I had chills and tears just watching God work. Thank you for believing in the message! I pray other people are inspired by the foundation you create by coming from behind the makeup and being the YOU God created you to be!

I am currently trying to get the men on board with empowering them to step into their roles as men and declaring #noWeight as they walk into their purpose. As they become God seekers, leaders and mentors. Encourage your husbands, uncles, fathers, grandfathers, cousins, brothers to check out www.teespring.com/noweightmen and reserve their shirt to support the movement! I am striving to uplift families so that they may live spiritually healthy lives to be the CHANGE for the next generation!